


Fight or Flight

by mantisbelle



Series: Reduced Polarities [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Running Away, Sharing a Bed, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 05:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14013429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mantisbelle/pseuds/mantisbelle
Summary: After Locus disappeared during a movie night, Wash and Carolina took it upon themselves to figure out where he'd gone. The problem was that A'rynasea is fast, and getting Locus to come back would be an effort in itself.





	Fight or Flight

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!

Everyone knew that Locus was doing his best to adjust to life with the Reds and Blues on the Retirement Moon. There was something about it that just seemed to sit wrong with him- perhaps the inaction or the social aspect of being around the Reds and Blues. 

No matter how hard Locus seemed to be trying, there was still something that wasn’t working. Wash hadn't been the only one to notice it. Locus would shut himself off from the others, or would skip meals or otherwise try to keep his distance as much as he could. If he trained, or ate, or slept, it was always alone

To some, that was merely a frustrating consequence to having Locus around which they assumed would lessen with time. After all, Carolina and Wash had gone through the same thing before adapting and learning to live with the madness. Eventually Locus would come around too.

That didn’t make the time any less frustrating. It was a process which only seemed to slow and slow, never crawling towards Locus really letting himself fit. 

For Wash, it was becoming incredibly difficult to work with. 

It wasn't as though they weren't trying to be there for Locus or reaching out for him. It wasn't as though Locus was just being left to flounder on his own, and it  _ certainly  _ wasn't as though they were forcing him into things. If anything, they had given him far more room than he had ever truly deserved.   
  
Wash understood it though. The reluctance that Locus was living with was coming from a very real place, Locus obviously treating the rest of them like glass because he knew that one screw-up was likely to end up being the difference between freedom and a likely death penalty to be served on Chorus. Even with due process and appeals, he’d be looking at spending the rest of his life in prison- assuming that nobody got to him before the executioner did.    
  
The only problem was that it was hard figuring out whether Locus was being genuine or whether he was making an effort to separate himself from them even more. Whether or not it was introversion or aversion was something that Wash thought that maybe only Grif had been able to figure out.

And even then, he couldn’t be entirely sure, because if there was anything that Locus worked exceptionally hard to do, it was that he tried to keep whatever he was thinking and feeling locked up as tight as he could. Being in armor helped, and when Locus’ own flesh and blood face would betray him, seclusion would not.    
  
For the rest of them, the world simply kept on spinning. Wash went through his daily routines the same way that he would normally, and everyone else would do the same. The Red's activities had changed a little bit to accommodate for Locus' presence, but with Locus keeping his distance that didn't matter so much.    
  
Friday night came around and Tucker demanded a movie night, while the others came along happily for it (even if there was some grumbling about Tucker choosing Reservoir Dogs yet again). Wash decided to go because the chance to unwind seemed nice. It was a bit of time off from the nonsense that had filled their days. When he got there, Wash realized that Locus hadn't made an appearance.    
  
Grif had even gone off to get him, which normally would have at least gotten Locus to come out for a bit, but Locus had insisted on being left alone.    
  
That was when Wash knew that he should have realized that something was wrong.    
  
One hour and thirty nine minutes later, he left the base and saw that A'rynasea was  _ gone _ . Ever since Locus had decided to stop and join them, the ship hadn't moved, not even once. Locus would spend some of his time there around it, but actual plans to leave had been absent. Wash had suspected that Locus slept onboard sometimes, but that was as far as anything had gone.    
  
There wasn't even a sign that it had been cloaked, just a patch of brown sun-starved grass where it had been sitting for so long.    
  
Thousands of possibilities ran through Wash's mind. Locus could have run to abandon them, he could have run with the intent of going back to mercenary work, he could have done anything. He could have gone back to Chorus to turn himself in but if that was the case, then Kimball would have called to let them know what was happening.    
  
Panicked and worried, Wash sprinted to Carolina's room on pure instinct. She was inside, sitting on her bed and painting her toenails a familiar shade of blue. Somehow that was something that Wash had never been able to imagine from her- it didn't feel like the Carolina that he knew.    
  
"Locus is gone." He gasped out, skidding on the floor a little bit and bracing himself against the door. "I don't know what's going on."    
  
Carolina startled and shot to attention, accidentally tipping the bottle of robins egg blue paint over. It splashed onto the floor, likely to leave behind a color that she’d never be able to make go away. She gave the spill an annoyed look before asking. "He left?"   
  
"His ship is gone," Wash explained, "And he was acting... weird, earlier."    
  
"Dammit." Carolina groaned as she stood up. "Have you tried his room yet?"   
  
She walked over to Wash's side and grabbed his arm, tugging him along with her as the two of them begin on the way to Red Base. Wash couldn’t help but feel bad knowing that her painted toes were going to be ruined by the time that they get there. She hadn’t even bothered to put on sandals.    
  
"I came as soon as I realized he was gone." Washington explained, keeping pace with Carolina. "It felt urgent because since he got here he has never moved his ship."    
  
"Right." Carolina said, closing a fist and pounding on the door to Red Base, perhaps a tad too aggressively.    
  
Inside, Wash could already hear Sarge shouting about dirty blues, and really wants to bash his own head against a wall because of it. The good thing about the Reds is that  _ some  _ things were delegated.    
  
Simmons was the one to get the door.    
  
"Hello?" He asked, looking between the two of them. "We aren't interested in a surrender today."    
  
"That isn't why we're here." Carolina growled at him. "Is Locus here?"   
  
Simmons blinked, standing up tall and looking much more than just a little bit unsure of himself. "I haven't seen him. Whatever this is, I'm guessing it's important?"   
  
"Very." Wash explained. "Could we please come in?" ‘

Simmons turned and announced their presence, which meant that Sarge was probably going to be keeping an eye on them for the entire time that they were there. That was something that Wash really didn’t want to have to deal with, but if that was what it took to get information, then he’d tolerate it.    
  
But once he was finished Simmons just stepped out of the way, leaving Carolina and Wash to beeline towards Locus’ room in the hopes of finding him.   
  
The door was closed. Wash walked up to it and banged his fist against it, knowing already that Locus wasn't going to be there to open it. He couldn’t just let the issue lie, though. He needed to do what he could and check, just in case A’rynasea had only been relocated to a different spot. It could have just been taken to be cleaned, or on a short flight to check that the engines were in working order.

Wash knew that was unlikely. He knew that the more real possibility was that Locus had taken his ship, and he’d left them without a word or so much as a goodbye.     
  
A minute passed and Carolina swore under her breath before grabbing at the door handle and turning it forcefully.

Locus had left the door unlocked, which was definitely odd for him. What Wash knew about Locus was that when it came to his personal life and his personal thoughts and affects, it was all kept carefully closed away where nobody else could intrude. Leaving a door unlocked was  _ very _ uncharacteristic of the man that he knew.   
  
He'd only been in Locus' own space a few times, but he had never really learned that much from it. Locus made a point not to have many personal affects around, probably because he was so used to having to go from place to place without any chance to ever settle down. It was possible that there were other issues that kept Locus from letting himself have those things, but Washington had never asked. Pushing Locus probably wouldn't have helped and would have only made him close himself off more.    


When Wash pushed the door open, he wished that he could have felt surprised by what he found. It was Locus’ room, but the blanket and pillow that he had allowed himself had been stripped away. The crate that Wash knew Locus kept his things in was gone, and it left the room looking the exact same way as it had when Locus had first moved into it. 

That, more than anything else, confirmed Wash’s worst fears. 

Carolina set a hand on his shoulder, doing what she could to comfort without saying anything extra. Wash closed the door, since he had his doubts that anything would have been left behind for any of their sakes. Locus had just left, out of nowhere, and he had done it because-

Well, he didn’t know. He did know that if this was going to work, then he needed to be willing to go out there and try and find Locus.

Carolina and his eyes met, and just like that, the beginnings of a plan were in place.

The two of them hurried out of Red Base before starting the conversation on what they were supposed to do. Wash and Carolina both knew the way that things were with the Reds and Blues all too well. If they said too much in a place with prying ears, it would probably start a panic. Or a crusade. Or some sort of strange rumor.

"We need to find him." Carolina said, before Wash even got a chance to get involved. It made him jump a little bit. 

"We do." Washington replied, furrowing his brow and pursing his lips. What he knew about Locus' ship was that it was almost unnecessarily fast. If Locus had wanted to be gone, then he was long gone. And had probably did something to cut their ways of contacting him in the process. 

A constantly breaking down Pelican which had been in one too many crashes like they had wasn't likely to be able to do the job that Wash needed it to be able to. 

"I'm going to call Kimball." Carolina said, holding her head up high. 

Wash startled even more at that, because the absolute last thing that they needed to do here was give Locus more reasons to run. "Why-" 

"We need a faster ship." Carolina answered before Wash could even get a second word out into the open air between them. "And Vanessa will be willing to offer us something."

"And if she asks questions?"

"We received a distress signal and wanted to check it out." Carolina concluded, blinking and staring into the distance for a moment. "It might not hurt to start preparing for a trip, Wash." 

Wash swallowed hard and nodded before rushing off to his own room and beginning to gather his armor. Besides that he didn't actually know what he'd need aside from perhaps a weapon or two- and that was assuming that they both found Locus and he decided that he was going to fight. Wash didn't know what they were going to find, even if they did. 

A part of him sincerely dreaded finding out. He'd spoken to Locus enough to at least have an inkling of what was usually going on in his head- and what was going on in his head was never good.

He rushed through the packing process, let Tucker and Caboose know that he and Carolina needed to try and take care of something off planet, and rushed to Carolina's room. When he got there, she was just hanging up from the call with Kimball, and was half-armored.

"Ready?"

"She's going to be here soon." Carolina said, shrugging. She picked up her grappling hook gun, considering it for a moment before putting on the most shit-eating smirk that Wash had seen from her in a  _ long _ time. "I hope you remember how to use a jetpack."

Wash went pale, bad memory rushing back all at once. "Of course I do."

"We might need it." Carolina explained, sighing. "If we find him."

Washington took a breath because that was really on the top of his list of things that he didn’t want to deal with at all. Carolina was probably right though- if they found Locus’ ship, they weren’t likely to get him to just let them on board. And they’d need a way to get to his ship anyways, since it was unlikely that they’d be meeting on the ground.

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

* * *

The ship that Carolina had requested arrived just on time. Carolina ended up taking over the controls of the ship, which left Wash as the co-pilot seeking out any sign of A’rynasea on their tracking and radar systems. He wasn't expecting to get anything significant, since Locus was likely to just hide everything away from view anyways, just like he would in person.    
  
Carolina made the verdict that they should go into orbit around the moon first. It wasn't likely that Locus would be there, but it was something that they could try. At the very least, Locus would have had to been there for a little while if he did truly go off planet.    
  
"Carolina?" Wash asked, somewhere in the middle of their fifth hour of flight. He wasn't comfortable and he wasn't happy It was a good thing that armor was basically home for him at this point in his life. If it wasn't, he was sure that he would have been pretty unhappy.    
  
"What is it, Wash?"   
  
"Do you think we're actually going to find Locus?"   
  
There was a moment of quiet, Carolina clearly deep in thought as she stared straight on ahead of them. "I don't think we will." She shook her head, frowning. "When Locus doesn't want to be found, he won't be. You know that as well as I do."    
  
"I guess I just can't believe he's gone."    
  
A year and a half before, that was something that Wash never would have said. He never would have even thought it, really. The time that they spent away from Locus definitely outnumbered the amount with him around by a significant margin. Even when Locus was with them it was rare that he actually spent time with them.   
  
Carolina let out a heavy sigh. "You know that you can tell me what's... going on. Whatever it is."   
  
"I don't know." Washington admitted, his voice quiet. "If I could tell you I would,  but Locus is..."   
  
"Different?"   
  
"Yeah." Washington blinked. He wished that he could feel secure enough on the ship to be able to take off his helmet. "He left so suddenly. Grif didn't seem to know anything, and it was like the Reds hadn't even noticed."    
  
Carolina nodded, slow and sure, like she was trying to go over the information in her head so that she could parse out something. She was as aware of Locus' reclusive habits as anyone. Even if she didn't really do much to try and get into Locus' life or schedule, she knew.   
  
The silence filled the room, as wide and empty as the void of space that surrounded their little ship. Wash wanted to be content in it, but couldn't, so he just looked back down at the ship's radar.    
  
Off in the distance, there was a little red blip. Silent and without any signs of life or motion. "Carolina-"    
  
"What is it?"   
  
"Picked up something on radar. Could be something, might not be."    
  
Carolina snapped her head over in Wash's direction and looked down at the radar for herself. With her left hand, Carolina pressed down on a small button before tapping on the blip to set the ship's autopilot. "We'll get ready."   
  
"Should we attempt to make contact?"   
  
"Not until we're in range. If it's Locus, he might not answer though." Carolina shrugged a little bit over that.    
  
"What makes you sure?"   
  
"Locus isn’t exactly like the talkative type." Carolina mumbled. “That was Felix’s thing.”

Really, the worst part of it was that while what Carolina had said was horribly reductive, she was correct. Wash took a deep breath and stared at that blip on the radar again, letting it bore itself into his memory. “I just want to find him. Before something happens.”   
  
There is something there in the way that Carolina went dead quiet. Wash felt some guilt for it- he’d probably managed to drag up some old memories and feelings that Carolina would have preferred left forgotten. While Wash knew that apologies might be in order later on, he didn’t care that much. Priorities.     
  
“I know.” Carolina finally whispered back. The ship sped up, and Wash just watched, and watched, and watched, in the hopes that they had indeed found who and what they were looking for.   
  
As they drew closer, Wash took a breath and looked up. He could almost feel a wave of relief at the recognition of the ship. At the very least, it was of the same make and model of Locus’ A'rynasea. That doesn't seem to mean that much since Wash can't really say that he'd seen one before Locus had first dragged him onto it while he’d bled from the neck.   
  
The gold-orange glow of the lights managed to be almost comforting, even then. 

Less comforting was the fact that Locus' ship seemed to just be floating there in the dead of space. At the very least its engines were off. Whether it was being manned was less of a sure thing.   
  
Wash reached for the little radio on the ship that he and Carolina had taken and tried to make contact. "This is the-" He looked over at the little registration plate on the corner of the dashboard. "Wren 57D, attempting contact. Do you read? Over."   
  
The radio was dead silent, and Carolina shot him a look that would have shaken him to silence when he was younger and still in Project Freelancer. Wash shook his head and just committed himself to waiting until a response came, staticy like there had been an attempt made at using vocal masking, but without any of the necessary resources to do so.   
  
"This is A'rynasea. Over."   
  
"This is Agent Washington of the Wren requesting permission to board." Wash winced a little bit. He knew that playing his cards so openly was probably only going to end poorly for him and Carolina. But this was Locus, and Wash was fairly certain that he knew Locus. Honesty would likely only carry them further.   
  
The silence was deafening.   
  
"Over." Wash added hurriedly, just in case Locus was looking for that sort of military propriety. Perhaps he needed it to feel like a more professional situation rather than what appeared to simply be a personal matter.   
  
"Denied. Over."   
  
"Locus, please-" Wash gripped onto the radio transceiver a little too tightly. "I'll come alone. I just want to talk." Once again, he was only met with silence for a long moment before he took the time to rush out the _"Over."_   
  
"You shouldn't have come." Locus said back over the radio, but Wash could hear something in his tone that was almost akin to desperation. "I am going to ask that you leave."   
  
"So that you can do what, Locus?" Wash snapped back, almost regretting it in the process. "Please, let me come over there. If we're going to do this, I'd rather that be done somewhere private. I just want to talk."   
  
"Fine." Locus hanged up abruptly, and Wash groaned because he couldn't exactly pretend like he didn’t know what was about to come.

Carolina sighed quietly and turned away from him, and Wash could hear her rifling through the crate of supplies that they'd brought along. When Carolina held out the jetpack for him to take, Wash groaned because jetpack flight was something that he still really hated.    
  
Mostly because even through everything, nobody had ever told him what happened to Georgia. And the only thing that he'd gotten out of using jetpacks was a bad reputation involving grappling hooks and his own genitalia, and then an exorbitant amount of teasing after the fact.   
  
It occurred to Wash for just a moment that Locus might not have been familiar with that particular story. He tried not to dwell on it too much as he strapped on the jetpack though, since he had priorities and couldn’t count out the possibility of A’rynasea just speeding off before he could even unboard. 

Either Locus would leave, or Locus was expecting him. Either way, Wash knew one thing about A'rynasea which was for certain.    
  
That ship wasn't like most ships. It was high tech in an almost scary way, and managed to always burn much hotter than anything else that Wash had encountered. His armor would shield him, but Wash wasn't sure what he was going to run into when he got there.    
  
Washington walked over to the door, and activated his grav boots. When he glanced over at Carolina, he saw that she had done the same, steady blue glow formed around her feet.    
  
"Are you ready, Wash?"   
  
"I think so." Washington replied, taking a deep breath of recycled oxygen. "I'll have my radio on, but I won't be sending anything back to you unless I have permission. I get the feeling that whatever is happening-"    
  
"It might be personal?"   
  
"Something like that." Wash replied, shrugging. "Whenever you're ready for me to go."    
  
"Take your time." Carolina answered before hitting a button next to the door that will lead to the tiny depressurization chamber. "I'm not going to rush you."    
  
Wash nodded and stepped in. The door closed behind him in a single automated motion and Wash was glad that his armor was able to regulate the air pressure in his helmet so his ears didn’t pop. Once the chamber was completely ready, Washington watched the door open up in front of him and expose him to the openness of space.

Wash hesitated for a moment, taking his time to steel himself for what was to come. With one fluid motion, he pushed off from his and Carolina’s ship and decided to let himself drift forward for as long as he could before he finally decided that using the jetpack was even necessary. Just like he’d been trained, Wash used it only for slight boosts and course correction. Any more was overkill.   
  
Out in the open, it wasn’t as obvious just how far A’rynasea actually was from them. That wasn’t to say that Wash wasn’t confident that he could make it, but he also didn’t know how he was supposed to get onto the ship without using a ramp. He’d certainly never seen Locus use any other way before. When Locus used the ship, it was like a door would just  _ appear  _ from nothing.   
  
Wash turned on his radio and tried to reach Locus’ personal channel. “I’m approaching.” He said calmly. “I hope that you have a way to get me on.”    
  
Nothing else came on from Locus’ end, but Wash watched as A’rynasea turned and set into a very slow motion, Locus clearly taking great care to ensure that Wash couldn’t get hit or hurt. The ship flew over him, and when Wash saw the light appear he realized just how Locus’ ship actually worked. The magnetic tug was harsh, but Wash grit his teeth and let himself be dragged along.    
  
He ended up being warped into one of the larger parts of Locus’ ship. It had been some time since Wash had last been inside of A’rynasea. There was a small stack of boxes off to the side, the things that Locus had taken with him instead of leaving them at Red Base. Wash was sure that there was some more hidden away which had never even made it off of the ship.    
  
Locus was there, tired and halfway out of his armor. He looked almost sad, and Wash wished that he knew why.    
  
He thought back to his promise to Carolina, sighed, and pulled off his own helmet so that it could feel more like he and Locus were on even ground.    
  
"You shouldn't have come." Locus repeated, turning away and looking to the front of his ship. He began to walk, while Wash let himself follow after.    
  
"I felt like I needed to." Washington explained, shrugging. "The only other one that knows that you left is Carolina."    
  
"Then it won't be long until-" Locus hesitated, took a breath, and shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You should go back to them."    
  
"So should you." Washington said, feeling a slight spike of anger at it all. He needed to figure out what the hell was going on in Locus' head, but as things were at the moment, he didn't know. Wash didn't think that he wasn't going to be able to figure it out at all- but it was probably going to be like pulling teeth to figure it out.    
  
"No." Locus mumbled. "I shouldn't."   
  
Wordlessly and without giving Wash too much attention, Locus seated himself in the pilot's seat of A'rynasea. For a second, Wash could have sworn that he'd seen the little orange glow of an AI, but it was snuffed out too quickly for him to be sure. Wash swallowed and approached the front of the ship, taking the seat beside Locus.    
  
For a moment, Wash could have thought that he'd actually understood. Locus had spent his entire life with only room for one or two people other than himself. Perhaps he'd gotten scared and run off because he didn’t feel like had room for so many people. Locus had only had one person that he’d ever really talked about having before. 

And that person was dead, flung off a tower on Chorus, little more than a bad memory.    
  
"Why did you decide that you needed to leave?" Wash watched Locus' face, searching for any sign or any emotion. It was the only thing that would have been able to really give him away, Wash thought.   
  
There was a slight quirk to Locus' eyebrows, and his perpetual frown deepened. "You all deserve better than to have me there."

“We liked having you there.” Wash answered Locus, truly and sincerely hoping that he was going to be able to get through to him. Even if Locus ended up leaving for whatever reason it was that had driven him away in the first place- Wash knew that he had to at least try. “And I mean  _ all  _ of us.”   
  
“Are you just here to try and make me come back?" Locus backed away from Wash, and it was easy enough to see the nervousness on his face. If anything, the one emotion that Wash was really able to get out of Locus' face is pure  _ distrust _ . Just then, Wash finally realized exactly what Locus was thinking. 

  
What had he thought it would have looked like? Him and Carolina, on a ship that they'd gotten from Chorus and was probably registered there- there was no way that hadn't flown under the radar. If he were there in Locus’ place, Wash knew he would have been able to say what he would have been thinking himself.    
  
It looked more like an arrest attempt than a genuine attempt to make someone come home.    
  
"Yes." Washington mumbled, tilting his head down. "But it isn't... because you left. Or because we want to do something to you."    
  
"Then why-"    
  
"Because we care about you." Washington cut Locus off before he could get a chance to go on and make it worse for himself. "And we wanted to know what made you want to leave."   
  
"You won't-"   
  
"Understand?"   
  
"Yes." 

"What makes you so sure that I won't?" Wash watched Locus' face. The entire time since he arrived on A’rynasea, he'd kept his eyes and his attention as closely glued to Locus as he could possibly manage. This is a situation where he couldn't afford to miss any facial cues. Locus wasn't great when it came to social situations to begin with, it would be too easy for him to once again slip through the cracks on some detail.    
  
Wash didn’t want to risk it going both ways.    
  
Locus' silence spoke for itself. He offered no explanation, just stared out into the vastness of space ahead of them like that was what he actually wanted.   
  
"Is it about Felix?"   
  
"Yes." Locus mumbled, eyes flicking away. "And no." He looked down at his hands, folded them together. They're bare, just like his face. Wash had never really noticed just how badly scarred they were before, especially not the large Xs that were slashed into the backs of them. Far from accidental, full of intent. "It's... difficult to explain."    
  
Wash blinked. It reminded him of Carolina, the way that she liked to keep people at arm's length because of what had happened in their past. Perhaps Locus was the same way. Wash knew that Locus had probably been in the military or at war for close to his entire life, but there were gaps in his story that he'd always chosen to keep quiet. Either way, it wasn’t a way to create healthy or regular bonds.    
  
He reached over and touched Locus' hand, hopeful that at least touching him could have been enough to get him to open up. Instead, Locus tensed significantly under his fingertips, hands clenched together far too tight.    
  
"You aren't used to staying in one place, are you?" Wash asked instead, since he was sure that he could wind his way back to the topic of Felix eventually. That was still a horrible mess of feelings that he knew Locus had been avoiding for a fact. Or rather, he'd been dodging the topic because it seemed like he was afraid to give something up.    
  
"I can't say that I am."   
  
"Is that how it is with people too?"

Locus seemed to hesitate more about giving an answer to that question than he had to any other question. Really, it only did more to confirm Washington’s suspicions than it did to do anything else. It explained why Locus was so reluctant to try and bond with the rest of them, and why he often spent his nights on ships.    
  
“I’ve only ever had one person. You know that.” Locus said finally, speaking slowly. “And he’s gone now. And I could have-” He shook his head. “He’s gone now.” He repeated the words, like they needed to be stressed.   
  
Despite that, there was no anger or accusation in his voice. No acknowledgement as to the events that had led to Felix's death. Not even a further discussion because everything on the topic that had needed to be said was already out there.    
  
At his side, Locus stared on ahead, not allowing himself to give Wash anything to show that he was vulnerable. He just focused on something that was definitely out there, but was also unidentifiable because it didn't really exist.    
  
"And he's never coming back." Locus murmured after a long while.    
  
Locus' eyes flicked down to the control console. He reached out over it, his hand hovering there over the maps. Washington felt his heart speed up at that. He didn’t think that Locus would just take the two of them and go like that. Carolina would have been too close behind on their trail, and there was no way that the other Reds and Blues wouldn't rally for the sake of fixing things themselves.    
  
"I'm sorry." Wash said, but it only ended up leaving him feeling empty. The truth is that he’d never felt sorry for Felix, not for what happened. He was sorry that Locus had been left feeling so completely attached and even dependent on Felix for so long, and without any chance of reprieve. He was sorry that Locus was still in drift, hurting and feeling sorry for himself with no solutions to be found. Only memory.    
  
"I have to leave." Locus mumbled, his expression too heavy. There were dark bags under his eyes, that would have needed some time to have been able to develop. Days worth, probably. How hadn't he noticed that Locus was in such bad shape? "To protect the rest of you."    
  
"Protect." Wash repeated after Locus. "What is there that you think we need to be protected from? Hargrove and Charon are dealt with. Felix is gone. After what happened with Temple- which had  _ nothing _ to do with you until you found us, we're probably going to vet our adventures a little better. Why do you feel like you need to-"   
  
"Because you're here." Locus cut Wash off. "Everyone I ever end up close to ends up being... lost. I don't want to continue that trend."    
  
"So you're just leaving."    
  
Locus shrugged. "I figured it might have been easier not to drag out the process."    
  
It  _ was  _ an explanation, that was true, but Wash couldn't help but feel like it still wasn't good enough. There were too many things missing, it felt wrong to be Locus' reason.    
  
Later he would realize that it felt so wrong because it was a decision based on emotion rather than any sort of reasonable logic which Locus could have applied to it. Morality had nothing to do with it, nor did anything else. It was simply based on emotion and fear more than anything else.    
  
"Do you really think this will... help?"   
  
"No." Locus mumbled. "But it would be better that the rest of you aren't so involved with someone like... myself anyways. I know that none of you have forgotten."

And god, of all the times where Locus could have been right, why did it have to be that one?

Wash hadn’t forgotten the nature of Locus’ crimes. None of them had, aside from Caboose possibly, but whether Caboose remembered something wasn’t always the best measure to go by. That was something that Wash had learned long before.    
  
“I understand that you’re afraid.” Wash sighed, running a hand through his hair in complete frustration. “And I know that… I can’t technically stop you from doing anything.”    
  
Wash was pretty sure that Locus wouldn’t try to drive off with him still on board. Locus swallowed hard and looked down, shaking his head in a way that makes him seem even more resigned and unsure of himself than usual.    
  
“Washington-” Locus mumbled. “I don’t wish to hurt any of you.”    
  
“I know.” Wash replied. “But you’re going to anyways.” He swallowed hard, an obvious lump in his throat that he wasn't going to be able to ignore that easily. Wash felt a little like he was going to throw up. He needed to call Carolina and let her know how things were going, but he couldn't do that without also spooking Locus in the process.    
  
"I know." Locus' hands balled into tight fists that probably left his fingernails digging into his palms. "But this is... for the better. It will keep any of you from paying for my crimes."

Wash looked out at the darkness of space that stretched out in front of them infinitely. Distant stars created small points of light, but they weren't enough to make the universe bright. It occurred to him briefly that this may have been the only way in which Locus could view anything. He lived surrounded in impenetrable darkness, and the bright spots-    
  
He would actively run from.    
  
Wash reached over for Locus' hand and caught his wrist. Locus went shock still the second that the contact was made. It was almost like he'd stopped breathing, just like that- all because of a single touch. "Locus."   
  
The look that he got back from Locus was the only response. His eyes were storm grey and upset, wide and impossibly scared.    
  
"I'm here because I don't want for you to leave us." Wash said as firmly as he could manage. "If you stay with us... things may not be great, but everyone seems to like having you around. The Reds, Caboose. Everyone."   
  
"Yet you ignore yourself."    
  
"I'm here. And Carolina’s on the ship that brought me here."   
  
Wash tugged on Locus' arm, and Locus moved in closer to him, if only by increments. He didn't seem to be happy about it at all, but he also didn’t resist. "Please, just come back. You don't have to run like this. You're doing it because you're afraid and I understand that, but with us-"    
  
The words that Wash wanted to say seemed to die on his tongue. It seemed like nothing he said would ever really be enough. "You'll be safe. And you can help to keep the rest of us safe."    
  
Locus stared down at the spot where they're touching, and tugged his arm away from Wash. "I will never understand why you want this from me, Washington."    
  
"Good." Wash said, because the discussions about understanding that the two of them used to have were things which he was glad to have strictly as a part of their past. "You don't need to understand. You just need to know that's the truth."    
  
Locus squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head before taking a seat at the console again. Wash joined him, making sure to sit as close to Locus as he could. It wasn’t about making Locus uncomfortable, it was about giving him a way to be ground himself.    
  
"All you have to do is turn the ship around, go back to the bases, and then everything will be fine." Wash explained calmly. "Nobody is coming looking for you. The guys probably don't even know that you're gone yet."    
  
"And?"   
  
"And that means that if you don't want to hurt them, you can get back without doing that." Washington leaned forward, to watch Locus' expressions as they came. "I know that I can't make you do anything. I don't think that after Chorus, anyone could. This isn't an order, this is a request. Come home."    
  
Wash hadn't thought about how the Retirement Moon had become home to him. He didn't know if the others had come to think of it in that way yet either.  It was just nice having a place where they didn’t feel like they had to run or fight.    
  
"What happens if I do?"   
  
"Nothing." Wash repeated. "I'm just going to request that you come back, and when you get back you actually try to be a part of the things that we do there. Come to movie nights, come to dinners with the rest of us. It might make things easier. I know that’s all stuff that you’ve heard before, but it’s still true."    
  
Locus nodded, but he still didn't seem convinced. He was still keeping his gaze away from Wash, his expression too solemn and sad. "I don't know that I can."    
  
"You just... have to try." Wash didn’t like that the old saying the only advice that he could think of to give to Locus. But it was also all that he actually had that he could even offer. "You show up and just... let yourself be a part of things. You don't have to live like all that matters is that you punish yourself. It's okay to want to be around people."   
  
"I don't know." Locus mumbled, pulling his hands away from Washington and letting them reset down in his lap. He was fidgeting, in minute ways that Wash never would have been able to imagine Locus doing a year before. "I can't shake the feeling that... something will happen."    
  
"Nothing's going to happen." Wash reassured Locus. "I promise you. As long as you're with us, I don't think that anyone is going to want to turn you in. The fact is that ever since you got back you've been... better. Amazingly better."    
  
Locus shook his head again, exhaling slowly but still sounding too tense. "I don't feel better." His hands tensed in his lap again, balling back up into fists. "I just feel like...." He shook his head, and Wash realized then and there that this was one of those issues where Locus didn’t have the vocabulary to express the things he felt and worried about. "Like me. I feel like I am still broken. And that will not change."    
  
"You don't have to feel that way."    
  
"But that's what I feel." Locus mumbled. "I'm trying. But I don't know that I can. Because it’s never… enough. And it never will be."

He hadn't managed to get through to Locus in the ways that he'd been hoping. Wash sighed and just made sure to keep close to Locus and to keep Locus from feeling like he had to run. It just wasn't that easy when Locus was almost  _ unwilling  _ to listen.    
  
"We're willing to help." Wash said, calmly and plainly. "You don't have to believe me. But you can come back and let us try."    
  
Locus hesitated. "And if I need to go again?"   
  
"Then I think that you know what will happen." Wash said as pointedly as he could manage. He didn’t want for the Reds and Blues to be put into a position where going after Locus was a need, but Washington wasn't sure that it would never end up that way. Whether they liked it or not, Locus was still a wanted man with horrific crimes to his nam. If he was just using them to rest before going on the run, then it would be dealt with in time. "But that doesn't have to."    
  
"I know." Locus mumbled. He balled his hands into fists in front of him, staring down at them with the same cold grey eyes that somehow managed to be vulnerable and soft as they were hard and emotionless. "I'll come back."    
  
"You don't want to, do you?"   
  
"No." Locus admitted. "Not particularly. But it's probably for the better that I do. You're right."    
  
Wash looked out into space again. He can see the ship that he and Carolina had taken. She'd steered it closer to A'rynasea, clearly looking to be able to corral the ship if necessary. It wouldn't be, but the effort seemed to mean enough just fine. He was going to have to make a call to her so that she knows it's safe to go.    
  
Wash gently pat Locus' shoulder, squeezed it gently like it would be able to ground the man and remind him that he's really there. Locus needed that sometimes. "We can go whenever you're ready." Washington reassured Locus.   
  
Locus nodded, expression carefully blank. He stared at the controls again, readied to reach out for them and use them, but hesitant in all of the wrong ways. "You're sure?"   
  
"I'm sure."    
  
Locus squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, pained and upset. Washington gave his arm one last squeeze before going ahead and picking up his helmet. The sound of metal scraping quietly against the metal of the ship's dash startled Locus at least a little bit. Wash was sure to mumble an apology of sorts to Locus before putting the helmet on and calling Carolina.    
  
Within an hour, the two of them were on the way back to the retirement moon.

* * *

 

For that first night back, Wash realized that Locus wasn't interested in going in and making his presence too well known again just yet. The two of them ended up bunking together on the tiny bed in the back of A'rynasea that Locus considered to be his home for what appeared to have been an extensive amount of time.    
  
Locus didn't sleep much. Under the bright glow of the alien ship, Washington couldn't get any sleep either. The possibility that Locus kept the ship so brightly lit intentionally crossed Wash's mind for a moment, but he chose not to dwell on it. There were a lot of things that were going on with Locus that Was knew would never be explained to him.    
  
Locus had managed to sleep though, even if it was only a little bit.    
  
Wash laid open-eyed and wide awake in the bunk, Locus slumbering silently and deathly still at his side. They bumped together in a few places, and Wash didn't want to leave.    
  
For a moment, he understood why Locus preferred A'rynasea over staying with the Reds. It was a spartan living that he had there on the ship, but it was also much more personal than Locus allowed anywhere else. Wash tried hard not to think about the little photo of Locus and three other friends pinned up near where the pillow is. One of the men on it is obviously Felix. The other two were people Wash didn't recognize, a couple.    
  
Their earlier conversation rang in Wash's head. A reminder of just how much there was that he didn't know about Locus.    
  
He tried not to think about how Locus had mentioned that he was afraid of losing them. How Locus had more specifically said that everyone close to him ended up being  _ lost _ . Washington looks at the photo, with Locus and Felix and all his sharp angles, and the couple at their side. The man is grinning wide, the woman tucked in against him with a broad bright smile.    
  
In the photograph, Locus looked as sad as he always did.    
  
Wash looked down at Locus' sleeping form, and thought about where he came from himself.    
  
For just a moment, he thought that he might have actually understood.    
  
Wash knew that no matter what, he probably wouldn’t ever get the full picture when it came to Locus. But he'd get bits and pieces.    
  
If Locus ever felt like he wanted to talk about these things, then he would. Wash could trust in that much at least.

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all comments and criticism are greatly appreciated.
> 
> [I'm on tumblr. Sometimes stuff happens. I'm always willing to take new prompts and questions there!](http://tyrian-callows.tumblr.com/)


End file.
